Tell her she can't have a vagina
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
