remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
