Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
