Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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