Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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