Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
