So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
