Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
