dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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