If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
