My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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