today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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