I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
