I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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