I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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