When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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