I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
