is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
