Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
