just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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