My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
