So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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