i wish semen tasted like chocolate
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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