You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
