I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
