dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
