Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
