theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think a kid would responsible me up
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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