I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Girls should come with a carfax report
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
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i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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