you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
