Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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