Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
