that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
