I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
