At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
