Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
bring money and cleavage
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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