If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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