My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I think people are normalizing furries
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
