I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
