I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
