My underwear smells like fireworks.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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