I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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