His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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