You can't special order awesome
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Fuck appropriateness.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
