Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
