There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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