So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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