I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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