T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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