Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
