Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
