Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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