Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
