My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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