apparently the secret to your success is patron
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
